I'm in this for the ice cream.

I just got back from an audition that WENT WELL! That's saying a lot. Usually, I have a pass/fail system for rating auditions. If at no point did I fall down, make myself look stupid, or notice the "we're dealing with a crazy person" look in their eyes, it went fine. Today, I had fun and walked out feeling good. Why can't more auditions be like this?

I don't think I'm neccessarily right for the show, mind, but it's an important theatre in town so I needed to get in there and make my first impression.

I was a little concerned, particularly because I hardly got any sleep last night (you may notice my most recent post was past 4am) and it was a singing audition. I drank appalling amounts of water today and it worked fine. My voice was fine. My brain was fine too--that may be due to some boosts to my Jamba Juice. Thank you, Jamba Juice.

I was discussing insomnia on a message board recently. Know what? I'd miss it if I didn't have it. Yes, I'm tired, and it affects my quality of life during the day poorly sometimes, but I'm a very busy lady and insomnia gives me ME time. I read, light candles, write, listen to music, watch movies, take a bubble bath, paint my toenails, make stuff; basically I do all the things I'd love to do to nourish myself during the day but for which I never have time.

It's like when I stopped being depressed. I was mildly to severely depressed for twelve years. Dead serious. I thought everyone must feel that way inside. I was often made to feel that my saying I was depressed was an overreaction; that depressed people aren't functional so obviously I wasn't depressed. Wrong!! When I stopped being depressed, I couldn't believe how good I felt and feel all the time. Clouds lifted. I came out of the fog. I could never express that properly in writing, particularly in brief, so I'll leave it. Anyway, the turning point for me, a couple months before that day I suddenly thought "oh my god I'm not depressed and I want to live and the world is beautiful" was admitting that I kinda liked my depression as part of my personality. I was miserable, but very attached to being miserable. I romanticized myself the inconsolable, pure-hearted maiden. Not consciously. I had to find other things to like about myself to kick it.

Insomnia is something I continue to like about myself. I think it's a rebellion against growing up. I am frightened by the prospect of going to sleep and getting up at the "appropriate" hours for forever. I do that for periods now and then of course, especially when I'm in a show, but I find myself looking forward to a good 4am gaze out the window.

Tonight, I waitress. And then I go play with friends in Uptown! Sleep? Me? I'm too young for that.